Big Dogs House

The New “Prohibition”

Sep 25, 2009 Humor, Political, Satire

I have just now figured out how I am going to get rich and rule the world. Smuggling- and not just smuggling the mundane things like drugs and guns- they are so yesterday- but the new currency- I am talking toilet paper.

Not just any toilet paper either- this stuff will be worth the money, believe you me- it will be all long- strand only- no recycled paper products. No, if you buy my product, I’ll even make sure you get the stuff with aloe- now that’s some plushness. I will have to stake out my turf, though- and have a posse to protect the product. I’m sure I can do that. I’ll pay ‘em in rolls. That’ll ensure their loyalty.

Now all I have to do is worry about the revenuers.

It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).

It’s a menace, environmental groups say — and a dark-comedy example of American excess.

The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.

washingtonpost.com

No, no, no- we are not the Europeans- we don’t use soviet- bloc stuff with the chernobyl bark pressed into the weave here. No, or dare I say Nyet! We are better than that- we are the USA, and we demand softness (and adjectives). If the Europeans want some factory seconds, I will have a warehouse  that will specialize in paper bags and the Sheryl Crow commemorative Square At A Time dispenser, complete with napkin size, No Tidy Whitey sheets (may contain up to 20% bark and/ or leaves- not responsible for poison ivy).That is your choice.

The reason for this fight lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and more supple web. Fibers made from recycled paper — in this case magazines, newspapers or computer printouts — are shorter. The web often is rougher.

So, when toilet paper is made for the “away from home” market, the no-choice bathrooms in restaurants, offices and schools, manufacturers use recycled fiber about 75 percent of the time.

But for the “at home” market, the paper customers buy for themselves, 5 percent at most is fully recycled. The rest is mostly or totally “virgin” fiber, taken from newly cut trees, according to the market analysis firm RISI Inc.

washingtonpost.com

See, that’s what I am talkin’ about, Willis- we’ve got the corner on the “at homers”- and we will protect this market with all the viciousness of a momma wolverine protecting her cubs, or a liberal protecting his hypocrisy (your choice).

I figure after about four years of some really phat TP-ing, I can probably retire, sock my money in MUNIs and stuff, and move down to Belize, if it hasn’t become a leftist “worker’s paradise”- if it has, I will have to bring my own stash of TP- God knows socialists don’t even know how to make even toilet paper.

I’ll get the good stuff, the Canadian stuff- oh, it’s so fluffy you could sleep on it- that stuff will go for gold only, preferably unmarked ingots- one ounce, one roll. Aaaahhh, I love the good stuff-

“The problem is not yet getting better,” said Chris Henschel, of the Canadian Parks and Wilderness Society, talking about logging in Canada’s boreal forests. He said real change will come only when consumers change their habits: “It’s unbelievable that this global treasure of Canadian boreal forests is being turned into toilet paper. . . . I think every reasonable person would have trouble understanding how that would be okay.”

washingtonpost.com

Okay? Okay? It is more than okay with me- good God man, do you even know what you are saying? You keep talkin’ like that, you are gonna have to meet my little friend. I am gonna be the next Kennedy dynasty- they did it with whiskey and cigarettes, I will do it with TP- just don’t mess with me- I’ll have the money to hire some goons- you reckon SEIU is for hire? I hear they work cheap- or maybe I heard their work ethic is cheap-  am not sure, but I do know I am gonna be rich as soon as the enviro- nuts begin to convince everyone in government to switch to cheaper, rougher, tougher toilet paper.

I will be the one  in Hollywood, selling the good stuff to Johnny Depp and George Clooney- what- you don’t think they will be using the cheap stuff do you?

Their commitment to the environment is only skin deep.

Maybe not even that.

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Tags: hypocrisy, put this where the sun never shines, recycle this, toilet paper

Inauguration Toilets Are Based On Class

Jan 5, 2009 Political

The folks coordinating the coronation of Obama (PBUH) have decided that one toilet for every 6000 visitors was not a good thing so they have increased the number of port-a-potties to one in every 300. There will be 5000 of the familiar toilets throughout DC for the event.

The toilets that the unwashed masses will use are the standard toilets that have no lighting, no running water, can’t be flushed, and are not climate controlled. It is also likely that they will not have enough toilet paper.

Those in the middle and lower classes who plan to attend should ensure they take toilet paper and something to wash their hands with after using the facilities.

The VIPs, on the other hand, will have heated port-a-potties that flush. They will also have lights and running hot and cold water. This is how the elites in DC see the people. Harry Reid says they are smelly and stink up the Capitol when they visit and those planning the event believe they deserve nothing as good as those who work for them and whose salaries they pay.

I certainly would not expect all the toilets to be the high class ones because of the expense involved but I do believe that the ones the VIPs use should be no better than the ones the visitors will use.

Then again, this is how the politicians (and their high priced friends) view us as compared to them. They are better than we, in their minds, and they deserve the modern comforts. It never occurs to them that we are paying for the toilets.

Perhaps we will get lucky and there will be a blizzard the evening of January 19^th.

Of course a blizzard would be nothing compared to the snow job we will get for the next four years.

Source:
NY Daily News

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Tags: coronation, inauguration, Obama, sanitary, toilet paper, toilets