Patrick Kennedy Picks Father Ted As Adviser

Humorous News Invented In The Dog’s Mind.

Patrick Kennedy was involved in a car accident after he was allegedly drinking. He blamed the accident on prescribed medication and then announced he had a drug problem (again) and would be checking into the Mayo Clinic for treatment. Patrick has been in trouble before, apparently allowing his Kennedy name to get him off, but he has never had this kind of public problem involving a car accident. Since he needed an experienced adviser to smooth things over with the public, he selected the only person he knew qualified enough to make it all look good. His father Teddy who was able to walk away with no problems, legal or otherwise, after driving drunk and killing a woman in a car accident.

In a statement released earlier, Ted Kennedy had this to say:

I am er, proud of my son Patrick. He has followed in old dad’s footsteps by being elected to office and by taking up drinking. Patrick has had a lot to deal with being a Kennedy and he has handled it in true Kennedy fashion and that is by breaking laws and using the family name to get out of trouble. My own dad would be proud of his grandson and the way he has picked up the family tradition of breaking the law. Dear old dad was a bootlegger and I guess you could say that Patrick and I have kept up that tradition except we carry the booze in our guts.

If I were to critique Patrick’s accident I would say that he did OK but not great. First of all, he had his accident in front of the police. This makes it extremely difficult to cover up because they saw it happen. Thank God those low paid civil servants realized their place in life and neglected to give Patrick a field sobriety test or this would be more difficult. He should have had the accident on a barren road so that he could leave the scene and report it many hours later. He must have been terribly effected by the medications because if he were thinking correctly he would have picked up a young lady and taken her along for the ride. Perhaps a bartender who could finger him as having been drinking.

Patrick should also have contacted his lawyers and told them everything so they could not speak about it and then he should have shown up for the press conference with a neck brace to gain more sympathy. If he had been thinking he could have borrowed mine.

This is all moot now because dear old dad is here to make things right. I will spin a web of lies that Charlotte would be proud of. I told Patrick to admit to a drug problem and to check in to Mayo so they could not bother him for a month or so. That will give this time to blow over. When I go back to work Monday or Tuesday I will make some phony claim about Bush and divert attention from my son. This will all blow over soon and Patrick will be able to get back to the people’s work because, as you all know, we Kennedys are about public service and taking care of those less fortunate than we. We are also all about taking care of our own but that is another thing all together. By the way, did I tell you how much Patrick works for the children of America?

Er, once again, thank you for you support and I know you will all pray for Patrick to make a speedy recovery so he can get back to work ensuring that America is taken care of because that is the Kennedy way. Thank you and good night.

That Teddy has a gift for gab, doesn’t he?

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3 Responses to “Patrick Kennedy Picks Father Ted As Adviser”

  1. Bos'un says:

    :drunk_tb: Yep, two or even three peas in a pod. Pat gets the dumb ass of the year award, again this year. :dunce_tb: He takes a poke at TSA personnel, acts out in an irrational manner, and drives while taking drugs. What a guy, what a family, what a state of affairs our legislators are in.

  2. Jo's Cafe says:

    Monday Specials…


  3. beth says:

    Poor Patrick. It’s hard to live up to his father’s image after all :)