Big Dogs House

Bill Clinton Wants To Go To Copenhagen

Dec 5, 2009 Satire

A lot of people are going to Copenhagen for the Climate Summit where they can discuss how to impose massive amounts of taxes on countries (read taxpayers) in order to force rich countries to pay for what now has turned out to be an unsettled issue.

The prostitution industry thrives there and Copenhagen Mayor Ritt Bjerregaard sent postcards to the hotels telling guests not to visit the brothels. It seems she does not want this trade, that is legal there, to continue.

The prostitutes are fighting back. They will give free sex to anyone who arrives at a brothel with one of the postcards.

Bill Clinton has now asked to go to the Summit. Word has it that he is collecting as many of the postcards as he can get his hands on.

He promised to split them with Hillary.

Barack Obama cut back his schedule for Copenhagen and when asked about the free sex he replied; “I don’t need any more sex. I get to screw America everyday and I get paid to do it.”

Source:
Spiegel Online

Tags: Clinton, copenhagen, Obama, prostitutes

How Can We Get Michael Moore To Visit Peru?

Nov 22, 2009 Satire

Perhaps we can tell him that he needs to go there and check out some socialist plan of Utopia. Regardless, we need to get him to go to Peru.

Any suggestions on how to get him there?

Comments welcome.

Tags: cosmetics, human fat, michael moore, peru

Bring Me The Head Of Michael Moore

Oct 26, 2009 Humor, Political, Satire

There is a new potential blockbuster on the horizon for Hollywood, and really, all anyone has to do is follow the porcine Michael Moore around with a camera (not too closely) for about three months- even leftists who support Chavez should be able to find Mr. Moore by then, and they are really dumb- look at who they support, while a formerly good and decent country is dragged down to third- world banana status.

It’s all about pride, and the perception that Hugo Chavez is something other than the idiot he seems to be- well, Chavistas can’t have that, so they attack anyone and anything that poses a problem for poor old Hugo. A jar of salsa can’t be opened by the great man? Line it up against a wall and shoot the top off. That’s one of their solutions to a resistance to Chavez. Third world banana republic tinpot dictators are like that, you know. Aw, shoot- I’m profiling again, aren’t I?

But they go further than that- Michael Moore’s comments on a Jimmy Kimmel show have made the Chavistas mad- he dared to portray El Gordo (the fat one) as less than God- like.

During a recent appearance on ABC’s late-night program “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Mr. Moore gave an account — apparently tongue in cheek — of how he drank a bottle-and-a-half of tequila with Mr. Chávez at the Venice Film Festival in September, and how he mistook Venezuela’s burly foreign minister, Nicolás Maduro, for a bodyguard.

Those comments have created an uproar here among some of Mr. Chávez’s loyal supporters, known as Chavistas.

nytimes.com

Goodness- such a slam- the Chavistas were furious, but not because of just that one comment- wait!- there’s more-

Ms. Golinger and other Chavistas took particular umbrage at Mr. Moore’s suggestion that he had imbibed with Mr. Chávez (the president is a noted teetotaler) while giving him some speechwriting advice. The advice, Mr. Moore said in the appearance, had been accepted.

Mr. Moore’s comments “about President Chávez asking him to ‘help’ write his United Nations speech demonstrate Moore’s extreme ego,” Ms. Golinger wrote.

“President Chávez is one of the most brilliant speakers in the world, with an immense capacity to bring together a variety of ideas while being coherent,” she added. “We know that nobody writes his speeches, not even him! He speaks from his heart, and not from a teleprompter!”

nytimes.com

Yes, Chavez’ words rain down from heaven, yada, yada, yada- Chavez is a blowhard, that much is true, and the people who follow him are clueless lemmings, but, as I said at the outset, we might have a documentary/ snuff film/ comedy/ thriller on our hands. Oh, to have a handle on all those genres, and demographics, and all we have to do is get a few cameras and follow Mr. Moore around- the Chavistas have such a fragile ego collectively, that they resemble the White House, so we can expect the attacks to commence very soon.

But here its not the Chicago Way- its the Caracas Way- and they will use assassination- oh, they will need armor- piercing ammo, in order to penetrate that layer of blubber he protects himself with. Mickey D’s make for good kevlar- like protection- all those chemicals and preservatives, you know.

Perhaps they will use a harpoon, but that might bring the wrath of Greenpeace upon them. Wouldn’t that be cool? And if the Sierra Club got in on the chase, figuring that he needed to  be banded and studied, and his natural environment ( a padded room) should be protected. Imagine the cast of characters, the twists and turns!

This could be done with non- union labor, just like Michael Moore does- oh, the irony, as we capture the final moments of his life, I can hear the cheering in the theaters. Doctors will be in the theaters during the last five minutes! Those who are weak of heart should not attend, for fear that the joy might be too much.

And just think- for once in his life, Chavez might actually have done something positive for this world and the environment.

I am sure however, the Venezuelans would stake a claim on Moore’s fat body, and designate it as an alternative energy source.

After all, whale oil used to be all the rage.

Tags: chavez, el gordo, insults, michael moore, reality

The New “Prohibition”

Sep 25, 2009 Humor, Political, Satire

I have just now figured out how I am going to get rich and rule the world. Smuggling- and not just smuggling the mundane things like drugs and guns- they are so yesterday- but the new currency- I am talking toilet paper.

Not just any toilet paper either- this stuff will be worth the money, believe you me- it will be all long- strand only- no recycled paper products. No, if you buy my product, I’ll even make sure you get the stuff with aloe- now that’s some plushness. I will have to stake out my turf, though- and have a posse to protect the product. I’m sure I can do that. I’ll pay ‘em in rolls. That’ll ensure their loyalty.

Now all I have to do is worry about the revenuers.

It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).

It’s a menace, environmental groups say — and a dark-comedy example of American excess.

The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.

washingtonpost.com

No, no, no- we are not the Europeans- we don’t use soviet- bloc stuff with the chernobyl bark pressed into the weave here. No, or dare I say Nyet! We are better than that- we are the USA, and we demand softness (and adjectives). If the Europeans want some factory seconds, I will have a warehouse  that will specialize in paper bags and the Sheryl Crow commemorative Square At A Time dispenser, complete with napkin size, No Tidy Whitey sheets (may contain up to 20% bark and/ or leaves- not responsible for poison ivy).That is your choice.

The reason for this fight lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and more supple web. Fibers made from recycled paper — in this case magazines, newspapers or computer printouts — are shorter. The web often is rougher.

So, when toilet paper is made for the “away from home” market, the no-choice bathrooms in restaurants, offices and schools, manufacturers use recycled fiber about 75 percent of the time.

But for the “at home” market, the paper customers buy for themselves, 5 percent at most is fully recycled. The rest is mostly or totally “virgin” fiber, taken from newly cut trees, according to the market analysis firm RISI Inc.

washingtonpost.com

See, that’s what I am talkin’ about, Willis- we’ve got the corner on the “at homers”- and we will protect this market with all the viciousness of a momma wolverine protecting her cubs, or a liberal protecting his hypocrisy (your choice).

I figure after about four years of some really phat TP-ing, I can probably retire, sock my money in MUNIs and stuff, and move down to Belize, if it hasn’t become a leftist “worker’s paradise”- if it has, I will have to bring my own stash of TP- God knows socialists don’t even know how to make even toilet paper.

I’ll get the good stuff, the Canadian stuff- oh, it’s so fluffy you could sleep on it- that stuff will go for gold only, preferably unmarked ingots- one ounce, one roll. Aaaahhh, I love the good stuff-

“The problem is not yet getting better,” said Chris Henschel, of the Canadian Parks and Wilderness Society, talking about logging in Canada’s boreal forests. He said real change will come only when consumers change their habits: “It’s unbelievable that this global treasure of Canadian boreal forests is being turned into toilet paper. . . . I think every reasonable person would have trouble understanding how that would be okay.”

washingtonpost.com

Okay? Okay? It is more than okay with me- good God man, do you even know what you are saying? You keep talkin’ like that, you are gonna have to meet my little friend. I am gonna be the next Kennedy dynasty- they did it with whiskey and cigarettes, I will do it with TP- just don’t mess with me- I’ll have the money to hire some goons- you reckon SEIU is for hire? I hear they work cheap- or maybe I heard their work ethic is cheap-  am not sure, but I do know I am gonna be rich as soon as the enviro- nuts begin to convince everyone in government to switch to cheaper, rougher, tougher toilet paper.

I will be the one  in Hollywood, selling the good stuff to Johnny Depp and George Clooney- what- you don’t think they will be using the cheap stuff do you?

Their commitment to the environment is only skin deep.

Maybe not even that.

Tags: hypocrisy, put this where the sun never shines, recycle this, toilet paper

China Forecloses On DC

Sep 8, 2009 Satire

China is holding trillions of dollars of US debt and the prospect of getting paid is extremely bleak so China has decided to foreclose on Washington DC.

On September 20th the Communist Flag of China will be raised at the White House as that nation takes possession of the presidential residence. The joy felt throughout China is best expressed in the following statement:

“It was always my dream to raise a Chinese flag in the center of Washington, D.C.,” Chen Ronghua, chief of the U.S.-Fujian Association, told the newspaper. “This year, my motherland’s 60th birthday, is the perfect time for it.” World Net Daily

In addition to the White House, China will take possession of the presidential retreat at Camp David, the Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial, the Capitol and the Treasury Building.

China was unsure about taking the Capitol but figured since it already owned most members of Congress it might as well take the building. Representatives of China also decided that the White House was not worth as much as they had anticipated because the current resident smokes there and lowered the value of the building.

The foreclosure does not erase the entire debt and China will likely foreclose on other properties once it sends a delegation here to assess property values.

Van Jones commented that he is unhappy that he will not be a part of the administration that finally embraces Communism as he had done but was proud to be a part of history even if it was for a very brief time.

Tags: china, chinese flag, communists, foreclose, Obama, van jones