Big Dogs House

The New “Prohibition”

Sep 25, 2009 Humor, Political, Satire

I have just now figured out how I am going to get rich and rule the world. Smuggling- and not just smuggling the mundane things like drugs and guns- they are so yesterday- but the new currency- I am talking toilet paper.

Not just any toilet paper either- this stuff will be worth the money, believe you me- it will be all long- strand only- no recycled paper products. No, if you buy my product, I’ll even make sure you get the stuff with aloe- now that’s some plushness. I will have to stake out my turf, though- and have a posse to protect the product. I’m sure I can do that. I’ll pay ‘em in rolls. That’ll ensure their loyalty.

Now all I have to do is worry about the revenuers.

It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).

It’s a menace, environmental groups say — and a dark-comedy example of American excess.

The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.

washingtonpost.com

No, no, no- we are not the Europeans- we don’t use soviet- bloc stuff with the chernobyl bark pressed into the weave here. No, or dare I say Nyet! We are better than that- we are the USA, and we demand softness (and adjectives). If the Europeans want some factory seconds, I will have a warehouse  that will specialize in paper bags and the Sheryl Crow commemorative Square At A Time dispenser, complete with napkin size, No Tidy Whitey sheets (may contain up to 20% bark and/ or leaves- not responsible for poison ivy).That is your choice.

The reason for this fight lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and more supple web. Fibers made from recycled paper — in this case magazines, newspapers or computer printouts — are shorter. The web often is rougher.

So, when toilet paper is made for the “away from home” market, the no-choice bathrooms in restaurants, offices and schools, manufacturers use recycled fiber about 75 percent of the time.

But for the “at home” market, the paper customers buy for themselves, 5 percent at most is fully recycled. The rest is mostly or totally “virgin” fiber, taken from newly cut trees, according to the market analysis firm RISI Inc.

washingtonpost.com

See, that’s what I am talkin’ about, Willis- we’ve got the corner on the “at homers”- and we will protect this market with all the viciousness of a momma wolverine protecting her cubs, or a liberal protecting his hypocrisy (your choice).

I figure after about four years of some really phat TP-ing, I can probably retire, sock my money in MUNIs and stuff, and move down to Belize, if it hasn’t become a leftist “worker’s paradise”- if it has, I will have to bring my own stash of TP- God knows socialists don’t even know how to make even toilet paper.

I’ll get the good stuff, the Canadian stuff- oh, it’s so fluffy you could sleep on it- that stuff will go for gold only, preferably unmarked ingots- one ounce, one roll. Aaaahhh, I love the good stuff-

“The problem is not yet getting better,” said Chris Henschel, of the Canadian Parks and Wilderness Society, talking about logging in Canada’s boreal forests. He said real change will come only when consumers change their habits: “It’s unbelievable that this global treasure of Canadian boreal forests is being turned into toilet paper. . . . I think every reasonable person would have trouble understanding how that would be okay.”

washingtonpost.com

Okay? Okay? It is more than okay with me- good God man, do you even know what you are saying? You keep talkin’ like that, you are gonna have to meet my little friend. I am gonna be the next Kennedy dynasty- they did it with whiskey and cigarettes, I will do it with TP- just don’t mess with me- I’ll have the money to hire some goons- you reckon SEIU is for hire? I hear they work cheap- or maybe I heard their work ethic is cheap-  am not sure, but I do know I am gonna be rich as soon as the enviro- nuts begin to convince everyone in government to switch to cheaper, rougher, tougher toilet paper.

I will be the one  in Hollywood, selling the good stuff to Johnny Depp and George Clooney- what- you don’t think they will be using the cheap stuff do you?

Their commitment to the environment is only skin deep.

Maybe not even that.

Tags: hypocrisy, put this where the sun never shines, recycle this, toilet paper

The Ice Cream Social Cause

Sep 2, 2009 General, Humor

Ben and Jerry’s ice cream is not a particular favorite of mine. In fact I have not had their ice cream in years because I do not like the flavors they offer. I prefer Breyer’s ice cream because it tastes good. And additional benefit is that the company is not involved in social activism.

In honor of Vermont’s new law allowing gay marriage, Ben and Jerry’s has renamed their Chubby Hubby ice cream to Hubby Hubby. It is one thing to celebrate the passage of an event with a new label as they did when Obama was elected and they changed an ice cream name to Yes Pecan or when they changed a flavor to Jerry Garcia to honor the Dead’s lead singer but it is quite another to rename an ice cream to mark the passage of a divisive issue. A lot of people find gay marriage wrong and it does not seem like a smart marketing ploy to remind people of the decay of an institution by giving the ice cream a name that references homosexuality.

I really don’t care about Ben and Jerry’s but find it funny that they think it is smart to inject themselves into this kind of an issue.

At least this is just a temporary change of a product and not a new one. Imagine the label if they had developed a new ice cream called Hubby Hubby:

Hubby Hubby
Fudge Packed Ice Cream

Lots of smooth cream sprinkled with nuts
For that bold, in your face taste

Perhaps they could have changed their Dublin Mudslide flavor to Double Mudslide or their Berried Treasure to Buried Pleasure…

I also wonder if the lesbians feel left out. There is no ice cream that has been renamed to honor the women’s ability to marry each other.

I think Ben and Jerry should rename their Banana Split ice cream to No Banana Lickety Split. It can have a label like:

No Banana Lickety Split
without nuts

A delightful tub of ice cream designed
For those who don’t like to lick a cone

Maybe they could have changed their Phish Food flavor to Phish Mood or Jamacian Me Crazy to Jamacian Me Crazy so Lesbe Friends or even changing Sweet Cream and Cookies to Sweet Cream and Nookie.

OK, I have had about enough fun with this locker room humor. This is your chance to suggest flavors to honor other things in America. Perhaps they can come up with San Francisco Treat (packed with Fruits and Nuts) or maybe Democrat Delight (Lots of Fluff and Lacking Nuts).

Perhaps they can even rehonor Obama with a Cashews for Clunkers flavor. You have to use someone else’s money to buy it…

Lastly, they might try a flavor to honor Ted Kennedy. Something like Liver Quiver, an intoxicating ice cream that is sure to make a splash…

Have at it but try not to be to risque…

Ben and Jerry’s Flavors

Tags: ben and jerry's, gay marriage, ice cream, Obama, vermont

A Disturbing Trend In America

Feb 18, 2009 Humor

The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife.

Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party… as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.

This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed, Bearack Obearma

Tags: animals, bear, democrat, government, handout

Don’t Take Flight 93 to Mecca 6-25-2008

Jun 25, 2008 Humor

Park Service refuses to say who broke the circle

The planned Flight 93 memorial is described as a circle “broken in two places,” with the unbroken part forming a giant Mecca-oriented crescent (originally called the Crescent of Embrace).

Since last week, the Park Service has been inundated with hundreds of emails, demanding to know WHO is being depicted as breaking the circle.

It can only be the terrorists. The circle is a symbol of peace, and only the terrorists can be charged with breaking the peace on 9/11.

Thus the planned memorial shows the terrorists breaking our peaceful circle and turning it into a giant Mecca oriented crescent (which remains completely intact in the so-called redesign). In other words, it’s one giant: “ALLAHU AKBAR!” (heard on Flight 93′s flight recorder as the doomed flight careened towards the ground).

Superintendent Hanley’s reply

Our emailers are getting a lengthy response from Memorial Project Superintendent Joanne Hanley that fails to address the question of who broke the circle. She mentions the question, then heads off in another direction:

You also had questions about “who broke the circle.” The natural topography of the site upon which the memorial sits is in the shape of a bowl, or a circle. This “circle of embrace” follows the geography, and points your attention down to the Sacred Ground, the crash site where the 40 heroes of Flight 93 gave their lives combating the terrorists. The trees surrounding this “circle of embrace” are missing, or broken, in two places; first, where the flight path of the plane came overhead (which is the location of the planned memorial overlook and visitor center) and second, where the plane crashed at the Sacred Ground (depicted by a ceremonial gate and pathway into the Sacred Ground).

No, the topography is NOT a bowl. The upper arm of the crescent starts 100 vertical feet above the crash site while the lower arm circles 50 vertical feet below the crash site. Beyond misrepresenting the topography, all Hanley does is admit that the circle is broken at the point where the flight path crosses it, without ever addressing the simple question of WHO is being depicted as breaking the circle?

This circle-breaking theme is the Park Service’s OWN explanation for the crescent design (passed on from architect Paul Murdoch), and they refuse to even THINK about what it means.

Park Service Director Mary Bomar is even more oblivious

Director Bomar also received our emails. The response she is sending out does not even acknowledge the question of who breaks the circle:

Thank you for your e mail of June 24, 2008, concerning the Flight 93 National Memorial. The National Park Service (NPS) is aware of these concerns, and took steps in 2005 to investigate this issue. Please be assured that we are all committed to having a national memorial that conveys the full honor due to the heroes of Flight 93, not to the terrorists. Our priority now is to move forward with the building of the memorial, and to continue to commemorate those heroes who lost their lives on September 11, 2001.

You may want to visit the park’s website for more in-depth information

at:

www.nps.gov/flni.

Mary A. Bomar, Director, National Park Service

Actually it was in 2006 that the office of Mary Bomar herself (then a regional director of the Park Service)”took steps,” utterly fraudulent steps, “to investigate this issue.”

The Park Service’s own consulting expert, a professor of Sharia law at Indiana University named Kevin Jaques, admitted that the giant Mecca-oriented crescent is similar to the Mecca-direction indicator (called a mihrab) around which every mosque is built, but he assured the Park Service that there was no need to worry because no one has ever seen a mihrab anywhere near this BIG before:

Thirdly, most mihrabs are small, rarely larger than the figure of a man, although some of the more ornamental ones can be larger, but nothing as large at [sic] the crescent found in the site design. It is unlikely that most Muslims would walk into the area of the circle/crescent and see a mihrab because it is well beyond their limit of experience. Again, just because it is similar does not make it the same.

This is the information that Mary Bomar had in her hands TWO YEARS AGO: a blatantly dishonest excuse for not being concerned about what was admitted to be the geometric equivalent of the Mecca-direction indicator around which every mosque is built, only bigger than any ever seen before by a factor of a hundred. “Don’t worry. It might be recognizable as a mihrab to people on jetliners like Flight 93 flying overhead, but from the ground? Pshaw!”

Every iota of the Mary Bomar’s phony “investigation” was just as blatantly fraudulent. (Extended expose here.)

Daily American reporter decides to mark our emails as spam and block the senders

Hundreds of people emailing the Park Service demanding to know who broke the circle is NEWS. To pass this news on to the Pennsylvania press, several reporters and press outlets were cc’ed, in hopes that they would do their jobs and ask Park Service officials what answers they are giving.

When Daily American reporter Vicki Rock was asked by telephone if she was following up with the Park Service, she said:

… we pay no attention to mass emails like the people have been sending us. And I block them from emailing me again.

As if the Daily American has EVER been the subject of any kind of email campaign before. These emails are NOT spam. They are from individual Americans, taking time out from their day to warn about an enemy plot that Vicki Rock should have exposed long ago.

It takes literally two minutes to fact-check the Mecca orientation of the giant crescent. (Just print out a graphic of the direction to Mecca from Somerset as calculated by Islam.com, place it over the crescent site-plan on your computer screen, and VOILA.) How come this reporter has never done it? And why is she treating news (that people are demanding a simple answer to a devastating question), as a hostile action against herself?

Same answer to both questions. She sees herself as a defender of the Memorial Project and the crescent design. Maintaining that defense requires willful blindness to voluminous evidence of terrorist memorializing intent. The press is as much involved in this behavior as Joanne Hanley and Mary Bomar and the other Project Partners. (Advisory Commission member Tim Baird said last year that ALL of the Project Partners know about the Mecca-orientation of the giant crescent.)

Compared to this, seeing a reporter poke her own eyes out, trying to blind herself permanently to news about people confronting the Memorial Project, is hardly even strange.

Another letter?

We can keep on dumping emails on the Memorial Project if we want. Our petition to stop the memorial asks if signatories want to join an email list for doing things like forwarding emails to targeted individuals. Most are clicking “yes,” and the present campaign has as yet only tapped the first few thousand signatories.

Perhaps it is time for another letter, pointing out that:

Misrepresenting the topography of the crash site to be a bowl does nothing to answer the question of WHO BROKE THE CIRCLE. (Press people can read about the non-answers from Superintendent Hanley and Director Bomar here.)

Go ahead if you have a mind to. (Email link here.)

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Tags: Flight 93, Mecca, memorial, Terrorism

McCain Wants Man on Mars

Jun 6, 2008 General, Humor

John McCain was at a town hall event in Florida when he stated that he would like to see a program where NASA put a man on the red planet:

Presumptive Republican White House nominee John McCain said Thursday he would like to see a manned mission to Mars as part of a “better set of priorities” for NASA that would better engage the public. Breitbart

Rumors that Las Vegas odd makers are giving 100:1 odds that McCain wants that man to be Barack Obama and that he would like the mission to start right after the Democratic Convention have not been verified.

Tags: mars, McCain, nasa, Obama