Is it just me?

Why does this sort of thing always happen to me?

I go to the store just to grab a few items and I always end up in line behind some chick who writes a check. And it always takes forever! Maddening! Well, this weekend I got behind a lady that topped all of them.

So, I run into the grocery store just to grab a few things to make a meal for myself. Chicken, a couple of spices, etc.

Anyway, I go to check out and I get in line behind one of the largest women that I have ever seen. She hasn’t missed any meals, if you know what I mean. As a matter of fact if any of you guys have missed any meals I think I found the person who took them. Usually when I see something that large is has Goodyear written on the side of it.

Let me describe this lady to you. She was wearing an old and faded Molly Hatchet tour T-shirt and skin tight running shorts. Her hair was peroxide blond and was styled in a way that I can only describe as, Medusa. Every one of her chubby little fingers had a ring on it and her ears were adorned with the biggest earrings that I have ever seen. I am pretty sure they were once the hubcaps of a 1980 Camero. She was buying a bag of Doritos, 2 packs of smokes and a two liter Mr. Pibb. I know, you guys are thinking the same thing I was thinking. She must be one of those freaking health nuts! HA!

So she places her items on the counter and starts telling the cashier about a rash she had, but that it was almost gone because the doctor had given her some “stuff”. At least I think that is what she said. She was going Lizzy Borden on the English language. I mean butchering it almost beyond recognition. I have never heard anyone use the word “ain’t” that much in my life. She used it a noun, a verb, an adjective, a pronoun, a gerund, and adverb – you name it. I think she actually completed one sentence using nothing but that word!! She went on and on. It was hard to read the look on the cashiers face, but it was something between, ‘am I on Candid Camera’ and ‘oh dear Lord, please take me right now!’

Anyway, the cashier rings up the items and gives the lady the total. The lady takes the saddle bag that she is using as a purse and sets it up on the counter. I swear to you guys, this “purse” was big enough that I could use it to pack for a two week vacation. So, she starts digging and she keeps on digging and digging. I watch as she is still digging, only now she is talking again. Something about her sisters husband being a bad influence on her husband and something about always being drunk. I don’t know. I was just standing there thinking, ” at one time or another this woman has lost money on a pig race.”

Finally she states, “Oh, here it is.” Her gelatinous arm begins exiting her satchel, then out comes her hand and clutched in her dumpy digits is a freaking checkbook! I’m thinking, God please! Why oh why is it a crime for me to pull out my shovel and beat this woman into oblivion?

So, she writes out the check and hands it to the girl.

Oh, it gets better. The girl has to take the check to the manager to get it cleared. I am assuming that she had to do this because the check was from the bank of, THIS SUCKER IS GOING TO BOUNCE.

Now, I’m not sure where the manager was, but judging from how long this took I am going to assume he was vacationing in Hawaii. I just stood there looking at this freak. I wondered what she did for a living. What ever it was they must be paying her in pork chops and apple sauce.

Finally the girl came back, cleared the check and the large lady waddled out the front door and my life returned to normal.


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One Response to “Is it just me?”

  1. Big Dog says:

    This fits right in with my Wal-Martian post. There are definitely a group of people out there who have no regard for manners. I was behind a jackass today who stopped his car to talk with a person in another car. They have places for such things and I am sure the road is not one of them.